


don’t go wasting your emotion

by fiveyaaas



Series: under mistletoe [16]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, GASP, Mutual Pining, and therefore they’re both actually in love and NOT faking their felings, because she has to go to a party and doesn’t want to look pathetic, because this is a fanfic, but jokes on them both, five never left, five pretends to be vanya’s husband
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:40:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28357134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: There’s this party coming up, with my co-workers, and I just don’t even think I want to go. She manages to make me feel pathetic everytime, and I…”“Is there some way I could help?”She shook her head. “I don’t think so. There is literally no way for me to not feel pathetic at that Christmas party. Going there every year, single, with nobody ever coming up to even speak to me… It’s stupid. Sorry, we don’t have to talk about it.”
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: under mistletoe [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2036878
Comments: 5
Kudos: 59
Collections: Harcest Ficmas 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [soitgoes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soitgoes/gifts).



When Vanya got home, Five set his chalk down, blinking over to greet his best friend and roommate, who collapsed into his arms the second she got inside. “What’s wrong, V?” He casually scanned her body to make sure she wasn’t hurt or anything. “Are you hurt?”

“No.” Her voice sounded muffled as she spoke against his chest, and he gently stroked her hair, walking them backwards to the couch, wanting her to tell him what was upsetting her. “Five, do you think I’m a failure?”

“No,” he told her immediately. “Where is this even coming from?”

“Work.”

He leaned back, pulling her with him, trying not to think of the way his heart pounded when she cuddled up close to him. “You want to elaborate on that?”

“It’s just Helen, the first chair. She’s always…”

Five started stroking her hair again, wanting her to continue. When she made a small noise, he squelched down the urge to say all of the words he wanted to say, knowing that she wouldn’t want to hear it anyways .

“There’s this party coming up, with my co-workers, and I just don’t even think I want to go. She manages to make me feel pathetic everytime, and I…”

“Is there some way I could help?”

She shook her head. “I don’t think so. There is literally no way for me to not feel pathetic at that Christmas party. Going there every year, single, with nobody ever coming up to even speak to me… It’s stupid. Sorry, we don’t have to talk about it.”

“No, it’s fine,” told her, taking a risk and kissing the top of her head. He felt like that it was something that could  _ technically  _ be interpreted platonically, so he didn’t worry too much about the gesture. “You don’t ever have to worry about telling me anything, V.”

She glanced up at him with a small smile, and an idea came to his mind. 

“Hey, V, would it help if I came along with you to the party?”

Vanya made a small, disconcerted noise. “You hate going to parties. Everybody recognizes you from your Academy days and starts asking you to teleport.”

“You know, me being famous actually might even make it better for you,” Five mused. 

“Or more unbelievable,” she muttered miserably.

“I could say that I’m your husband,” Five said, imagining the thought of calling Vanya his wife and hiding his smile at the concept. “Since your last name is Hargreeves, people wouldn’t even question it.”

“You don’t have to do that, Five.”

“It wouldn’t bother me at all,” he promised, absolutely meaning it. The more he thought about it the more he wanted to do it. “If you think it would help you and you wanted to do it, I have no objection at all.”

She sighed. “Would they even believe me when I’ve shown up to these things single every single time?” 

“Have you actually said you were single during these things or have you just shown up alone?”

“I’ve shown up alone.”

“Well, I mean, we could just say that I have been busy every time you have gone to these things. It’s not a huge deal. Plus, I already have a reputation as a dick, so we should be fine.”

“You’d really do that for me?”

He wouldn’t be doing it for  _ her,  _ not completely _ ,  _ but she didn’t have to know that. “Of  _ course _ I would.” 

“What if people start bothering you about your Academy days?” 

Five shrugged; he could handle it.

* * *

Vanya brushed through her hair nervously, glancing over to her front door every few moments. Five had promised to be at the apartment at 6:30, and it was already 5:42. Usually, he’d be early by a few hours to something like this. He  _ loved  _ cancelling his classes; it was his favorite thing to do as a professor. Plus, she  _ knew  _ he had cancelled them already because Ben had called her earlier from his office phone to complain about it. 

Just as she was starting to worry she might start crying and ruin the mascara she’d attempted to put on (she wasn’t sure if it actually looked good but there wasn’t anybody who could inform her if it did), she heard the sound of him blinking inside. 

When he glanced over to her, grinning, she gulped, taking in the sight of him. He had a reputation among the others of being a little vain, spending more time in the bathroom on his hair than Allison ever had. However, with him putting more effort than he usually did?

“You look good,” Vanya mumbled, feeling her face begin to heat. 

“Thank you,” he said, blinking over to her and adjusting his tie when he landed in front of her. “You look absolutely stunning yourself.”

She made a small noise, about to respond when he added, “Sorry, I had to stop by the jewelry store.”

“Why?”

“They’re not going to believe that we’re married if we don’t have  _ rings.”  _

“You bought us wedding rings to sell that we’re married?”

“Of course I did. Plus an engagement ring for you. I had actually already bought them, but I decided that I actually wanted them engraved as well.”

How much did he even  _ spend  _ to do that with such short notice? When he pulled out the rings, she assumed likely  _ much  _ more than necessary. 

“Look at what the wedding rings are engraved with,” Five said, handing her own to her. “I made both of the inscriptions on the inside so nobody could see them but us.”

When she read the word  _ ‘confidantes,’  _ she cleared her throat, tearing up despite her earlier goal to do the exact opposite. “This is really sweet of you, Five, thank you.”

There was a reason Vanya had never suggested this in the years before, and it was going to bite her in the ass now. As she slipped the ring on her finger, she told him, “You didn’t have to do this, you know.” 

He shrugged, “We gotta make it believable, right?”

She grimaced, glancing away from him. “Yeah. Right. We do.” 

There was no way she would  _ not  _ regret doing this, not when he didn’t feel the same way she felt for him


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update from my fic-mas series! I’m hoping that fic-mas will technically be completed soon LMAO, and if any of y’all were paying attention to the other fic-mas series for other ships... they’re still coming. It’ll just be a bit. 😭

“So what are you okay with?” Five asked, opening the passenger door to his car. Usually, he didn’t drive, considering how long it took to reach places that he could get to instantaneously with his powers, but he’d made an exception tonight, mainly due to Vanya always getting nauseous when he teleported them further than a few miles. If she’d leaned down and vomited all over the cute suit she was wearing, he’d have failed their purpose for tonight before it started. “Like, a hand around the waist? Cheek kisses?”

She shrugged, “You do all of those already. Honestly, whatever you’re comfortable with, I encourage you to do.”

The problem there was that he wasn’t sure how he could organically get her to sit on his face at her Christmas party. 

“You seriously mean  _ whatever?  _ Because I’m not sure that you actually mean that.” 

“No, I really  _ do  _ mean it. A celebrity grabbing my ass in public would be the only interesting thing to ever happen to my love life.”

He was about to argue that he wasn’t  _ actually _ a celebrity when he noticed a pedestrian holding one of  _ those  _ magazines, which he’d thought he’d destroyed all evidence of last week. “I don’t know,” Five said, resisting the urge to speed through a school zone to keep Vanya from seeing it. “That time you held hands with Ben when we were eight and the eldritch popped out of him was pretty interesting.” 

“I’m still convinced that you guys had provoked him for that result.” 

Five shrugged. It had actually been that Ben was already struggling after being forced to hold in the monsters for hours during training, a sort of self-control exercise. For Five’s, he’d been locked in a small crate in the dark for hours, told not to move until he was given the order. That night, he’d jumped to Vanya’s room, holding her as tightly to him as he could, tears streaming down his face and not explaining what he’d been through to make him cry that way. 

“By the way, these magazines I’ve been seeing around—”

He groaned. 

“Did you know about all that?”

“I’m assuming that it was Father Dearest, trying to vex me.”

“You think  _ he  _ was the one who put a picture of you kissing my forehead in a magazine? For what? To teach you some sort of lesson?”

Well, no. Not really. He thought that Reginald put a picture of him kissing Vanya’s forehead in a magazine because he was no better than a mean girl and wanted Five to know that he was aware that Vanya still meant everything to him, all these years later. That if he needed his loyalty at a moment’s notice, he knew what to do. 

Though she hadn’t known it, she’d been used to incentivize him for years. The only reason he hadn’t left for quite a while was the knowledge that she’d be the one to suffer the consequences. He’d taken them away the second they were sixteen instead, getting multiple jobs to pay for a place for them to stay. Anytime she ever suggested getting her own place, Five would panic, afraid that once he stopped providing for her, she’d be done with him. It wasn’t the only reason he took care of her, but he only felt secure that she wouldn’t grow to hate him and leave if he kept providing for her and taking care of him. So far, she’d remained his friend, and he was thankful for that, hopeful that it would always be that way, needing his Vanya. 

“I think that he was trying to unsettle me,” Five finally said, sighing and setting his shoulders. “Is there anyone in particular you’re trying to distress tonight?” 

Vanya laughed. “Helen Cho, I suppose. She's the first chair, but I don’t try to think of her as my enemy… though she isn’t the kindest person to me.”

“I’ll make sure to handle that.”

“Thanks.”

A small smile crept across his features, pulling into a parking spot that Vanya pointed out. “So is this party for schmoozing too?”

“The theatre is asking for donations, yes.”

“Do you think they’d give you more of a shot if your rich husband wrote a large enough check?”

“I think that I would probably get even shittier commentary from my colleagues.”

He stepped out of the vehicle, blinking to Vanya’s side to open the door for her. “And you  _ don’t  _ want that, correct?”

“Correct.” 

A few people glanced their way, and Five leaned down, pressing his lips to the back of her hand, glancing up at his best friend with an amused smirk. 

Louder than necessary, hoping to attract her colleague’s ears, he asked, “Will the other people in the orchestra pester me, Vanya?”

“No, Five. I don’t think anybody will realize, dear.” 

Five smirked, already seeing someone point at him in shock. “Excellent. You look lovely, by the way.” Remembering how she’d agreed to anything within reason, he tilted his head down to kiss her mouth. 

When he pulled away, he wondered how she managed to blush on command, figuring it had to be the chill to the air. She stood on her tiptoes, setting her hand over her mouth, so Five crouched down, letting her whisper in his ear, “You’re the best. I love you.”

If she asked why  _ he  _ was blushing, he would certainly say that it was the chill, like hers had come from. “Love you too, V.” 

“Are you ready for this?”

Five shrugged. “As ready as I’ll ever be.” In truth, he was  _ delighted  _ that he’d get to touch her freely, to kiss her as often as he’d dreamed of over the years. He would enjoy it immensely, until the second that it would be taken from him. “Are you?”

She gulped. “Yeah.” Nodding to herself, like she was trying to convince herself to work up the courage, she placed on a fake ass smile, telling him, “Let’s have some fun, yeah?”

“These snooty billionaires and pretentious orchestra players won’t know what hit them.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I don’t know when the next update will come, but I hope you guys enjoyed this one!

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all so much for reading!!! the rest of fiveya fic-mas will be up by new years!


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